Stillness or stagnation? Rewiring achievement and productivity
Plus what I read, watched, listened to and ate this week ✨✨✨
Surrender
What if we started to release our white knuckle grip on the desired outcomes and attempted to surrender? There is so much in life to be controlled - progress, promotions, changes, transitions, newness. If things are feeling stagnant or not progressing as we would want, there is usually action that we can take to move things forward. But what if the work is in sitting in the stagnation? What if good comes out of sitting in that stale place - learning to embrace it, learning to see yourself within it and listening to whatever wisdom comes from it.
Feeling stuck
This week, as I enter my second official week of unemployment and as we take further steps in our fertility journey, I have felt the impact of stagnation. Where I expected, and hoped, to feel freedom, liberation, empowerment, I have felt stuck.
I left the last chapter feeling totally misaligned with my work and career - I decided to take big, bold, courageous (and scary) moves to make necessary changes, shifting from the familiar to total uncertainty. Inevitably, after months and months of planning, preparation and discussion, I expected these weeks to hold a feeling of finally being free. And whilst they are, in some respects, there is also an unexpected ickiness that comes with standing still.
Yes, I have more time than I ever have. Yes, I finally have space and calm in my days, more-so than ever before. But is society okay with this? And if not, how can I be? I can write about gentle ambition being the goal, but how much harder is it to embody that sentiment and to fully go against the grain of everything we’re told?
What’s next?
I can feel every ounce of my being rushing towards “what’s next”. I know, deep down in my soul, that I need a break from work and from hustle and from busy and yet, my brain can’t help but start to question how I’m spending my time - a judgemental, hyper-critical voice in my head wondering if I’ve made the most of every day. It is capable of that, my brain, - of feeling like it’s plotting, rather than collaborating. But I also understand that, while it is trying to hurry me and protect me and pull me back to what’s known (you know, an income, box ticking, goal setting - the usual culprits), scrambling around looking for my next career move will yield no real results when it is coming from a place of fear, panic and judgement.
With that knowing, maybe what’s next is to really settle into the stagnation, easing into the periods of wintering where success is measured in different ways. What if this isn’t a stage to get through, a short stop before the next big thing? What if every extra step taken and every moment spent longer in the in-between is the progress, just wrapped up entirely as something else? What if, this isn’t just the grey holding space, but actually an essential, formative part of my life and experience?
Releasing
What if, although I am wrapped in uncertainty, feeling slightly unmoored, unable to see where the chips will fall, this is actually the making of me and us? Our stories are shaped, not by the obstacles that come our way but how we deal with these obstacles. The harder, more testing, paths can carry so many positives - so much goodness to appreciate - so much strength to garner - so much life experience to gain wisdom from.
So perhaps, to reach and grab and force an outcome - in any aspect of our lives - is just creating an illusion of control, which in turn can create suffering. To see this, to be patient, to accept, to understand, to know that hurdles are all part of a bigger, longer, chapter and that this moment now is not just an in-between bit but also a crucial foundational layer, maybe that is the work. Maybe learning to be gentle, to be kind and to move with grace is the path forward. And maybe I’ll look back on this time and be absolutely grateful for how every piece fell as it was meant to.
📖 What I Read: Fredrik Backman’s My Friends. I hadn’t heard of him before, but saw on Substack that this novel was much anticipated and it didn’t disappoint. A gorgeous, warm, life-affirming novel about a group of friends.
🎬 What I Watched: The Sopranos! We’ve finally done it - committed to 86 hours of Sopranos for the first time. We’re three seasons in, we’re having dreams about the cast, we are eating more Italian food for dinner and we are absolutely loving it. My parents’ rewatch a few years ago inspired us to dive in and it’s been the perfect winter companion.
🎧 What I Listened To: Straight Up podcast. A pop culture podcast by two London based journalists, it is very reminiscent of Pandora & Dolly’s The High Low. A high brow approach to low brow topics!
🍽️ What I Ate: Homemade socca! Chickpea flour, water, oil, salt, herbs - it was SO GOOD and sooo easy.
Thanks for reading!! If you’re new here, I write essays about slow success, life transitions, and finding meaning in the mess. As well as recommending some of my favourite things every week! ✨