The inbetween post, before the words have come

When there isn't a lot to say - miscarriage, loss and self-care

**Trigger warning - pregnancy loss

I don’t know what to write and I don’t know where to start.

This newsletter has been a place of joy for me; a place to make sense of my thoughts and the change, transition and transformation that has been going on in my life over the last year or so. Throughout the week, I take notes and scribble ideas in my phone - sparks that I can elaborate on and return to when I sit down to write. I’ve written about not having a niche, and how, somehow, that has become the niche - just showing up each week to share how I feel and what I’m figuring out. And so far, that has created a space for a lovely community of people to show up, read and share too.

This week, however, I didn’t know where to begin. It has been a week, to say the least. I thought about writing a reflective piece on the first three months of the year - I could reflect on how it’s gone, what I’ve learnt, what I’m grateful for - it would be a nice way to bookend the first quarter of the year and check back in with my 2025 goals. Or I could refer to one of my many half written drafts that span a range of topics and themes. But as soon as I sat down to write - and bear in mind, this post is already three days late - I just hit a block. None of that felt like what I should be writing about. To follow any of these threads felt almost disingenuous, inauthentic, and completely out of sync with where I’m currently at.

Because, if I am being true to myself and to the reason why I started this newsletter in the first place; to live a sparkly life, find meaning in the day-to-day, and make sense of life’s messiness, then the truth is that this has been a sad and hard and messy week.

Last month, we found out that we were pregnant. We went to our 7-week scan and saw our baby’s tiny heartbeat, but there were concerns that it was measuring on the smaller side. A week later (last Monday), our doctor confirmed that there was no longer a heartbeat and that our baby had stopped growing. Despite writing about our experiences of previous early pregnancy losses, this was our first experience of a missed miscarriage and it required me to spend a day in hospital on Friday having a D&C. I am extremely grateful for having the most caring partner and so much love in my life, but it’s all extremely raw and recent.

When the Irish nurse in Sydney sneaks your partner a bag of Barry’s Tea from the Nurse’s station for you to wake up to after surgery ☘️💛

Before I even attempt to process my own thoughts and feelings, I have turned to the words of others - I have been finding such comfort in their stories. Pregnancy loss can be the most isolating of experiences and to hear from those who have walked a similar path can feel like a balm to the soul. I absolutely intend to be another voice, in case someone may seek comfort in my words in future. I will write about all of it, in order to make sense of it for myself too. But not yet. For now, I am still in it. I am still healing. I am still processing. And I’m a few steps away from having the capability to articulate any of the meaning in this. But I didn’t want to leave the page empty either.

So for whoever needs to hear it this week - go gentle with yourself. Go slow, be kind, lean into your intuition and look after yourself - what if doing just that was your main priority for this week? It’s going to be mine.

Sparkly Recommendations ✨

No matter how tough the week, there is always room for some sparkle:

📖 What I Read: On the brink of being by Julia Bueno - one of the many beautiful books I’ve been reading about miscarriages. Also for partners, friends and family who want to understand and relate more, this book is written by a fertility therapist and is a gentle place to start.

🎬 What I Watched: We had an at-home-cinema-experience yesterday without having to leave the house and by that I mean, we rented a movie on Apple TV. (Technology these days). We watched Anora and it was brilliant. An independent movie that won the Oscar for Best Picture, it is dark, funny, smart and a very enjoyable watch.

🎧 What I Listened To: I wrote about watching the incredible Adolescence and this week I loved listening to the Director Q&A on one of my favourite podcasts The Rest is Entertainment - a behind the scenes podcast in the UK. It’s a fantastic opportunity to hear all about how the show was made - a great listen for any fans of the show.

🍽️ What I Ate: Whenever I need to care for myself, there will inevitably be a trip to the gluten free bakery near our home. This week there has been three of these trips - surely that says it all. As a coeliac, baked goods are usually off limits so I was grateful to be able to indulge this week. (In full transparency, I wrote this paragraph, added the photo below, closed my laptop, drove to said bakery, bought and ate more GF treats and proceeded to come home and edit this post - OOPS).

At this stage, I am surely 50% GF almond croissant. 📍Whole Green Bakery, Sydney

There was also this dumpling feast during the week which just doesn’t deserve to be forgotten about

*****

If you made it this far, thank you for being here and thank you for reading my words. On a small account, one like or comment makes a huge difference so please share the love.