**Trigger warning: pregnancy loss**
2024 has been an absolute rollercoaster of emotions; I have been strapped in for the ride and have been thrown around the place by the ups and downs of life’s happenings this past year.
The year held many highs; getting engaged in Santorini in May to the love of my life, trips overseas to Ireland, Greece, Italy and Bali and many weekends away and adventures around Australia. The year was filled with friends and family, memorable meals and wonderful adventures, but despite this, it has felt like a heavy year for us.
My fiancé and I started trying to conceive mid year and a few days before the end of December, we found out that we experienced another chemical pregnancy loss in that time. A chemical pregnancy is a loss that occurs very early on, usually 3-4 weeks, before the embryo has a chance to implant. This experience has been so difficult, so full of optimism and hope then quickly followed by heartache and sadness. No matter how many wonderful memories were formed in 2024, there will always be the shadow of these losses etched in our minds.
Our theme of loss and grief started for us earlier in the year in March when we lost our beloved cat, Norman. A young (and hugely popular) cat, known to everyone in our area as a special and sociable soul, it broke our hearts in two to lose him suddenly and tragically. Friends and neighbours rallied - I have never seen such an outpouring of love for the loss of a pet and many people commented that he had received more flowers, cards and notes than some humans would! He was the most special soul, sent to me in a time when I really needed him in those COVID years and I will take so much comfort from the impact he had in his few short years with us.
Amid the highs and lows of our conception journey, in late November I got a call from Ireland from my parents to share that my granny, my dad’s mum, had passed away at 98. I am grateful to have been able to book a flight from Sydney to Dublin the next day and I spent ten days with my family, seeing her off at the funeral and spending quality time on the sofa drinking many cups of tea. Despite it being a sad reason to be going home, it was good for my soul to be back in the home cocoon after the challenges that the year had given.
So, by all accounts, it’s been a year. It’s been a tough one, a challenging one and we are still working through the pregnancy journey without a clear path or solution, but as I sit here on January 1st, I know there are a vast many things to be aware of, to be grateful for and to be appreciative of. I share them with you in the hopes that something will resonate, if you need it to:
Life is full of hard times. They make us stronger and they make the good times sweeter.
We can do hard things. We have far more capacity than we think for dealing with difficult things.
Our hearts are expansive. They expand to fit the love and losses in our lives.
Happiness isn’t at the other side of something. Getting what we want doesn’t result in happiness. Happiness is to be worked on every day.
The joy and lightness in life come in the small moments. Even the hard days contain reasons to smile.
This too shall pass. On December 31st I cried and cried because of our most recent early pregnancy loss. I felt absolutely hopeless on the last day of the year but a mere few hours later, I was sitting with my fiancé in the garden laughing, smiling and recalling our moments of joy in 2024. The worst feelings are temporary too.
Hold your plans lightly. You can try to have a plan, but you must relinquish some control as you just don’t know what is around the corner. This year has been a giant lesson in surrender and trust.
Be grateful for what you have. We thought we would be pregnant by now and we did not have multiple early losses on our bingo card for 2024. But we have each other, our friends, our health, our families. We are privileged in so many ways and for that I am grateful.
I felt absolutely none of these things yesterday afternoon, but as the fog has cleared after allowing myself to feel all of the feelings, I know that I can summon the strength needed and that there is always lessons to be learnt from the rougher periods.
Happy New Year - whatever way you’re feeling right now, I hope something in here helps.
If you made it this far, thank you for your time! On such a small account, one like or comment makes a huge difference so please share the love!
Wow, Sinéad, this is beautiful. It hurts my heart to know you have experienced so much loss in such a short span of time, but I'm grateful you shared. I love the list and resonate with each and every one. I especially love "Happiness isn’t at the other side of something." Thank you for sharing ♥️
Sounds like you have really had a year Sinéad, I’m sorry for the losses you suffered and I hope that 2025 is much kinder to you. Thank you for being so honest in your writing and letting that vulnerability shine through. Being able to share that realness is something that not everyone can do and that’s something that makes me want to hit subscribe.
Thanks for writing.