Grief, growth and the weight of transition
Navigating the messy middle bit of change
This week was an anxious week. It was a far cry from that week in February where I felt compelled to write about the 36 moments of joy that I had experienced. There were moments of joy this week, of course, but there was an overriding jangly sense of anxiety that buzzed around like a persistent, highly irritating fly.
There were a number of reasons for feeling jangly this week (‘jangly’ being my preferred term for the mental and physical sensation of anxiety that I can feel in my body). The reason for said jangles were a combination of things that happened; a close friend of mine experienced a devastating loss, my hormones felt like they were conspiring against me (I’m already sensitive to my cycle but this week felt especially heavy) and I am going through significant change in my work life triggered by experiencing pregnancy loss last year. I’ve spoken previously about stepping back from my business after ten years at the helm and, needless to say, the transition is an adjustment.
I saw an amazing post on Substack this week which described ‘the place in-between’ when we are navigating life changes:
“We're standing in this strange, weightless space, somewhere between who we were and who we're supposed to become.
This is the liminal space. And it’s one of the hardest, rawest, and most uncomfortable places to exist.”
It resonated deeply with me. I feel like I am in a liminal space. I have known one way of life for over ten years and, even though I am so grateful for the freedom and flexibility that I am currently experiencing, it is still a huge change. I know that I am privileged to have people who run my business without me there day to day, that I still have an income, that most of my days are free to spend how I like. I am also aware of how lucky I am to be able to take the much needed space to heal from our losses and the emotional rollercoaster that was 2024. I read Laura’s Kavanagh’s recent post on Substack and her description of grief really landed with me.
Grief isn’t worked through or out. Instead, it remakes you. This hurts like f*ck but the outcome can be positive.
Grief does remake you. I feel changed from our experience of early loss last year and I feel as if I am still in the space where I must discover exactly who the next version of me will be.
No matter the context, change is still difficult. To navigate change successfully, we are required to pull on inner strength and resilience, to face deep self-enquiry in the hopes that we can hold it all together until we get to come out the other side. Some weeks, I am aware of the temporary nature of change and feel extremely grateful for my unique situation but some weeks (hello, this week), I feel a little bit like I’m living in a land of limbo; sitting somewhere between working and not working, having a team and colleagues but not attending social events, having the freedom to choose how I spend my days and yet still putting unnecessary pressure on myself to achieve things; essentially, living in the liminal space. This seems to be a space where I am facing anxieties, reassessing my identity and attempting to make peace with the here and now, whilst surrendering to the lack of a plan and the need for control.
I have no direct answers to being in this stage and, no doubt, the rollercoaster will continue ebbing and flowing, but some ways that I was able to manage my anxiety this week was by connecting with friends, journalling my thoughts and getting out and moving my body in the sunshine. With all of this, I am getting familiar with sitting in uncertainty. I’m navigating the inevitable highs and lows of life (mine and those close to me) whilst taking in the shoots of what seems to be a new season.
For now, I am leaning into rest, embracing slow days, and reminding myself that healing isn’t linear. The liminal space is uncomfortable, but it’s also a place where transformation quietly takes root.
*****
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Described grief so well. I love how you’re leaning into it, giving yourself what you so need in this journey. Thanks for sharing this incredible piece
Such an exquisite description that liminal place! I have been there many times, and am in something of a transitional time just now. Your words, and Laura's, capture that sense of becoming someone new as grief, loss, and struggle work upon us. Thank you.