The life update that no one asked for…
Losses and hope from a recovering workaholic attempting to embrace a new life season
The update
The last few months have been a whirlwind for me. As CEO and Founder of multi-million dollar recruitment agency, Lotus People, one of the most awarded and recognised agencies in Australia, social media can often be the platform to share the many highs and wins and peaks. It’s great to be able to share the good bits, but I have always found catharsis in showing all sides and for me personally, unless I am sharing most of myself and my story, posting online can feel inauthentic. I also don’t buy into the internet being a highlights reel - we must be reminded of the dips on the roller coaster in order to know we’re not the only ones living the imperfect human experience!
So after a completely delightful two week break in Bali with loved ones, the time is feeling right to break down what’s been going on for me!
Two years ago, I met my fiancé, Ant, and after (quite) a number of years spent single and being told my standards were too high and I was being “ too picky”, I can tell you, when you meet your person, it is 100% worth the wait and, my god, I am proud of single me for not settling!
Personal development
Always on the hunt for self discovery and ways to grow, in February this year I went on a personal development retreat called the Hoffman Process which was genuinely a life changer. Recommended by friends who I felt were truely “living their path”, I jumped at the chance. I would love to know if anyone on here has done it - it’s essentially a week of intensive therapy and looks at internal family systems, self compassion and the importance of fun in our lives. It’s mostly indescribable and also mostly sounds a bit like a cult so I’ve refrained from speaking about it online but it was the most pivotal week of my life and it has made me so much kinder to myself and in how I talk to myself (inner critic, not right now). It is not a cheap week and it requires a fully open mind, but if it’s on your radar and you were waiting for a nudge, take this as a sign - just book it!
Mine and Ant’s engagement in Europe with family will be etched into my memory forever as one of the happiest times - we can probably call that one of the peaks of the roller coaster of life over recent months! Soon after though, we found out the very exciting news that we were pregnant, something that was next in our life plan and we were beyond thrilled about. Despite the fact that they say not to, we told close family and friends and celebrated the imminent new addition to our loving family.
Loss
Sadly, only a week after finding out, at five weeks, we experienced an early pregnancy loss (the word miscarriage doesn’t sit entirely right with me so we’ll go with loss). Not only were we immediately hit with the grief and loss of the new life we had spent a week dreaming of, I also was punched in the face with the hormonal shift. My god, for anyone who has been through something similar, it can be very hard to be a functioning human in the world and my heart goes out to anyone who has had to experience this.
Ignoring all the lessons learnt at Hoffman, I pushed through, I forced myself to keep going, I powered ahead, I spoke unkindly to myself and told myself I should be over it by now as the weeks and months passed. Eventually though, the burn out, the exhaustion and the sadness won over and I finally took two weeks off to rest and heal (with much encouragement by my team). Sadly during this time, we experienced another very early loss at four weeks. The doctor said that it was so early that it wouldn’t even be classified as a miscarriage, which, as you can imagine, doesn’t make things any easier. The roller coaster of emotions and hormones began again and I was left with the overriding feeling that something needed to change. If those little souls weren’t meant for us, I wasn’t going to let the experience be wasted and was going to learn what was meant to be learnt from it.
The work changes
That was a lengthy intro to the work bits but inevitably, context is important. Throughout these personal struggles, through needing time off and thinking about the future (for when we do have a family and I will want to take time off), this has been an incredible opportunity to shift and make changes in the business.
Throughout this entire experience, I have known that I needed to make change in how I approach work and stress. I leant on a familiar, tired pattern of over-responsibility, fearing that I’m letting everyone down, acting like I needed to show up every single day, doing all the hours, almost as if I was reporting into a tyrant boss that didn’t exist, having to justify my workload and my hours. But after nine years of hustling and driving and, frankly, working my arse off, my intuition and gut were firing that I needed to allow myself to step back and create some space and remove myself from some of the day to day. A business owner and agency owner’s dream, I very luckily also had a team waiting in the wings who are committed, intelligent and capable and who have been supportive, kind and willing to step up and I have also been "off the tools" for a number of years, which made the next steps easier.
The next iteration
After much thought, planning and epic strategy days with Lotus co-founder, incredible brain (and my bestie), Laura Cole (Hopes) and our leadership team, at the start of October I rejigged our org chart and made a number of promotions in the business. Looking at a world where I removed myself from being in control, it actually created a lot more space for our people to thrive and to learn and grow. There was a lot of work behind the scenes to allow me to reframe from “I’m letting people down” to “I’m empowering people to step up”.
As it stands today, we have landed on a structure where my knowledge and expertise and experience can be leveraged, whilst empowering others to grow into more senior roles. To coincide with these changes, I also launched an employee share scheme whereby the team can earn shares and equity in Lotus People over time, which excites me greatly to be able to provide that opportunity that is rarely afforded to employees.
The energy is high at Lotus and the team are doing so well but, inevitably, as we work together to create our new normal, I will still have to work on my own identity and my own ego. If I am stepping into a more strategic role in the business and am less involved day to day and am not the centre of the business, who am I? What if it doesn’t work without me in it? What if it does!?
We all know the trope, ‘what got you here won’t get you there’ but, my god, unravelling an adult lifetime of hustle and force and push to settle into a season of space and creativity, well it’s easier said than done!!
I have pulled on every resource over the last three months. I have leant heavily on my loved ones and my team - with one memory of crying to Michelle and Kerrie about my overwhelm and sadness to them telling me - “you don’t have to do it all, we’ve got this.” That one piece of advice switched something in my brain and will stay with me forever. I have also leant on my business coach, mentors and therapist and I will always advocate for needing a village or tribe to support you through life’s ups and downs and changes and transitions! And there will still be work to do, both on myself and in the business because work is inevitable but something is unblocked and when things are no longer stuck, they can flow and magic can happen.
In flow
So, in summary, I’m in my flow era! My creative era! I am embracing this season which feels like it has to be from a very different operating mode. I write this after two weeks in Bali, with a fresh brain and a feeling of optimism and excitement about Lotus and the future. This business has been the biggest container for growth over the last nine years and I am beyond proud of what we’ve built. Whilst we grow and evolve and the team grows and evolves, our mission, our goal and our impact remains the same - to simplify a process that touches so many people’s lives but acting out of kindness and care.
For me next, I will continue to work with the team on building strategy and working to our vision, I will be available, contactable and engaged on LinkedIn, emails/ phones (but maybe with a slight delay at times!) I will be committed to learning and sharing about the future of work and business, and I will continue to represent the brand proudly in the market. I will also happily refer you to one of our epic team members when you’re looking to partner with Lotus People for work or staff.
Naturally, I will also continue to have self doubts, to question my worth, to be mean to myself at times but hey, that’s the human experience and awareness is the first step!
If you made it this far, thank you for your time! For many, this will be a random recruiter over sharing on the internet (hi!) but for one or two, it may resonate and that’s what I’m here for. 🙏✨💛
I originally posted this on my LinkedIn page and after receiving such heart warming and supportive responses, decided to use it as the catalyst to finally kick off my substack! Thanks for reading!
I'm so happy to have found your Substack and look forward to continuing reading!