37 lessons I’ve learnt in 37 trips around the sun
After a year of heartache and healing and chaos
Birthdays can be a funny time for people. There is the full gamut of how people choose to celebrate - ranging from refusing to even tell people that it’s your birthday, let alone celebrate it, right through to those who announce that birthday month has begun on the first of the month. I’m only mildly ashamed to admit that I fall into the latter category. I love a birthday - mine or anyone else’s. I embrace the celebrations, lean into the playfulness, and it brings me great joy to make a fuss of people I love. Celebrating birthdays in earnest is an excuse to express love, bring people together and create joy - what’s not to love?
This year, however, as I turned 37, it hit slightly differently. My birthday, sadly, now marks the one year anniversary of our first positive pregnancy test. A hugely welcome birthday surprise last year, we found out that we were pregnant when we had literally just decided to start trying. My thinking when we found out? Wow, this is ideal timing - exactly to schedule, I’m as efficient as ever, being the high achiever as always, etc etc. We celebrated by telling close friends and immediate family and we couldn’t have been more excited.
Very sadly, one week later, we miscarried and my birthday last year now marks the beginning of twelve months of pregnancy, loss, hope and heartache. Multiple early pregnancy losses coupled with a lofty and terrifying decision to resign from my own business, needless to say - it’s been a year. I am feeling stronger than I have been after a much needed grounding break in Ireland, but, of course, my birthday this year (and presumably for years to come) feels more poignant than before.
As I look back on the year that has been - a year that really has tested us beyond our limits at times and one which, no matter how much healing occurs, continues to leave reverberations, I’ve decided to share some of the wisdom and learnings that I’ve accumulated through this experience. When times are hard in life, it can be hard to muster strength and courage to keep going, but I always take great comfort in knowing that meaning can be found in even the most testing of moments.
In no particular order, 37 lessons that I’m holding onto on my 37th birthday:
We have the capacity to get through more than we can imagine. We are stronger, braver, more courageous and resilient than we could ever predict.
Sometimes the hardest times are the making of us. They are never the paths we would choose, but there is always lightness, and lessons, to be found in the dark.
It is never too late to start again. Don’t let age or stage hold you back from a more aligned life. I have absolutely no idea what my next career chapter will look like but I am leaning strongly into trusting the process of curiously opening up to it.
Fear can hold us back. I spent so many months worried about money, the future, life without my business until I realised that the only thing I needed to truly overcome was the fear of the unknown.
Most things will be better with consistently excellent nights of sleep. A year of early nights, an abundance of books and eight to nine hours sleep a night - it doesn’t cure everything (and certainly isn’t available to everyone, nor will it be available to me forever), but it definitely helps if you can access it.
But also remember, the world is not going to end if you get less sleep than eight hours in one night. (This one may just be for me, but it’s a legitimate fear.)
JERF - Just Eat Real Food. There isn’t a lot that can’t be cured with healthy, delicious, wholesome, real food.
But then also have the almond croissants. What is life without excess butter and pastries? Everything in moderation etc etc
Treat choosing a life partner as the biggest decision you’ll ever make. It likely is. I waited for the one I chose. I met him at 34. He was the absolute right one for me and I’ll never regret the years of being single, kissing frogs, waiting for him to come along. An overused trope but, my god, he was worth the wait.
Travelling is expansive for your mind and soul. It takes you out of yourself, out of your routines and shifts perspectives in a way that nothing else can.
Reading is as important as travelling. Physically, you remain in one place but in your imagination, you learn about an unlimited amount of worlds.
Don’t let your dreams be restricted only by what you can imagine. We can be unimaginative beings and can only allow ourselves to picture a version of reality that we consider within reaching distance. Rip this idea up, get creative and dream a version of life for yourself that feels completely unattainable - how can you get there if you can’t even picture it?
Surround yourself by people who lift you up and support you. Life is nothing without your tribe experiencing it alongside you. When the going gets tough, having a support network to hold your hand, cry alongside you and care for your heart is worth its weight in gold.
Find books that are life-affirming. Bronnie Ware’s book - Top 5 Regrets of the Dying is one that I think about at least once a day. In summary, the advice from hundreds of patients in Ware’s care as a hospice nurse amounted to: have the courage to express your feelings, don’t work too hard, live a life true to yourself, stay in touch with friends and allow yourself to be happy.
You are creative. Don’t supress your creativity - we are all creative beings. It’s innate. Follow the pull of the creative threads in your life and you will inevitably be happier. My creativity manifests in writing, singing and cooking, amongst others but I spent many years believing that I didn’t have a creative bone in my body.
Limiting beliefs, embedded patterns and a fixed mindset will hold you back. We are all made up of patterns and beliefs that are set from an early age. To challenge our fixed ideas, to be open, non-judgemental and deeply curious is to be happy.
Learn the art of self-reflection. Your relationships, your work, your community - they will all benefit from each person’s ability to self-reflect, self-evaluate and take accountability for their role in any situation.
Any investment in personal development will pay dividends. I started a (what turned out to be very successful) business at 27. Young, inexperienced and driven, I sought external help. Coaches, trainers, facilitators, business communities and, of course, therapy - I spent a significant amount on improving, learning and growing as a leader and as a person. How well I know myself at 37 is a testament to those investments paying off.
Time is not running out. We are taught to race against an invisible clock. Especially women. Especially in our thirties. But giving into that urgency will only result in more pressure. Take your time. Make considered intentional choices - and stop looking at the clock.
Women can get pregnant in their 40s. The biggest pressure on women is their biological clock, which I have been hyper aware of this year. I find it reassuring to remember that the average age of childbirth in Australia and the UK is around 33, the technology in the world of IVF and assisted fertility is mindblowing and, while the ‘clock’ is still a consideration, it doesn’t play as big a role as we are led to believe.
A calm nervous system is the true definition of happiness. In my mind, this should be the end goal. Tune in and listen to your nervous system when it activates around people, things and places that are just not for you. The body knows first, always.
Make exercise a habit. My pilates and gym routines, balanced around my energy levels and cycles truly make me more content. To find exercise you love (or at least tolerate) and incorporate it into your daily life is to build a better life. It will become habit, you will come to enjoy it and then you won’t be able to cope without it.
When in doubt, go outside. Fresh air, a change of light, a shift in perspective, movement - it always helps.
Worry, anxiety or trauma get trapped in the body. Breathe deeper, go outside, run, walk, move, dance around like a lunatic to Shake It Off or go jump in the ocean. Get that trapped energy out.
Remember that our brains are neuroplastic. The way you think about things is not fixed - patterns can be unravelled, fears can be overcome and your brain can rewire. I find this helpful to remember when my brain feels like it’s working against me.
You don’t owe anyone anything. Be true to yourself. Set boundaries. Listen to what you need. This has been a year where I have come home to myself like never before - this has involved listening to what I really want and need. It’s ongoing but worthwhile work.
You have nothing to prove. You are worthy. You are enough. You are loveable. Our inner essence is good, but then, throughout the human experience, we add shame, guilt and the rest. Working to feel worthy is an important endeavour for you those around you.
Speak to yourself kindly. Self-compassion is the answer to a lot of things. That negative inner voice can be the cruelest master if you let it lead, but turning kindness inwards can be the best act of self care. In a year of loss and heartache, I am proud at how, most of the time, I was able to extend self-compassion and I have not attributed blame to myself for our losses.
Do the small gestures - send the birthday card, write the follow up thank you text, buy the thoughtful unexpected gift, post the handwritten letter. These things mean the world to people and don’t cost much, other than time - which is why they mean the world.
Be grateful and proud of yourself every day. Every night in bed, Ant and I share three things that we’re grateful for from that day and one thing that we did well. It’s a nice moment to reflect, honour and share the best bits in the day - and, speaking of neuroplasticity, it trains the brain to start spotting moments of gratitude as they happen.
Take deep breaths. Meditation, breathwork - whatever form it takes, sucking giant amounts of air into your lungs is a nice anchor for becoming present.
Smile and laugh more. My irrationally happy partner wakes up smiling - this, I’m sure is not the case for everyone. His is a natural joie de vivre but we can all be intentional about inviting joy into our day - watch more comedy, laugh with friends, seek out silliness.
Make time for play. In line with the above, prioritise fun. We sing and dance around the house, make up silly songs and we just love a good pun. It sounds small but it creates moments of lightness.
Write down your thoughts. This has been a godsend to me this year. I made a commitment to publish weekly on Substack, as well as starting a digital diary. Processing my thoughts by getting them out of my brain has been a game changer - one which I will continue to rely on and lean on as a means of emptying my brain of stress.
Don’t preoccupy yourself with, or take on, other people’s problems. Be there for them, support them, don’t take it on yourself. You can’t fix or be responsible for anyone other than yourself - a good lesson in boundary setting, being aware of how we can support, without overstepping is an important line to finesse.
Be intentional with life and question how you spend your time. This year has seen my life be turned on its head. I have made conscious, difficult decisions to live a different life - I don’t know how this will end up, but I know for sure that I won’t regret it. Don’t wake up twenty years time in a job you resent. Actively choose what hobbies to pursue, who you spend your time with and where your energy goes. We have one wild and precious life and if we’re not paying attention, it can fly by in the blink of an eye.
Be curious, not judgemental. My dad said this in his father of the bride speech for my sister at her wedding last month. It’s an important sentiment but one that can be harder to practice. In my humble opinion, it is worth focussing on. We will all, always be different. That’s what makes us interesting. I think, to welcome the differences with curiosity rather than judgement is to lead a more fulfilled life.
Who knows what my 37th year has in store - 36 certainly did not go to plan. Either way, I’m building internal resources and resilience that will allow me to enjoy the highs and rebound from the lows - let’s see what the universe has in store!
Thank you for reading, it means a lot. ✨
I’d love to know from you - how do you feel about birthdays? Is there anything else you would add to the list above? Are there any other life lessons that you live by?
✨Sparkly Recommendations ✨
Back in the Southern Hemisphere, assimilating with the winter weather and returning to routine after almost seven weeks in Ireland.
📖 What I Read: The Names by Florence Knapp was named as the Sunday Times Best Debut Novel of the Year. Recommended by Pandora Sykes, I flew through it and loved it. I’ll be recommending it to everyone.
🎬 What I Watched: Wild Tales. A subtitled Argentinian movie from 2014, it’s a collection of six short stories about revenge and retribution. Dark, funny and clever. Recommended by my dad and I pass on that recommendation to you!
🎧 What I Listened To: The Feminism Debate - The Diary of a CEO podcast. This was an amazing 2+hour listen. An “intra feminist” debate, Steven Bartlett facilitated a conversation between three feminists with different views on women’s role and place in society. It was a nuanced, respectful and fascinating debate and I found it so thought provoking. You’ll find me sending this link to most people I know this week, it’s a fantastic listen.
🍽️ What I Ate: A cheese & wine pairing for my birthday at The Stinking Bishops - a gorgeous cheese restaurant near home. All I could ever hope for is to live within a five minute walk of a cheese restaurant.
Thanks for reading!! If you’re new here, I write essays about slow success, life transitions, and finding meaning in the mess. As well as recommending some of my favourite things every week!
A fantastic list and read. Happy Birthday! Is that photo taken in Maroubra by chance? Looks like my old stomping ground 😊
This list feels like a tender travel journal — each lesson a small pebble in a river of personal growth. I especially loved the honesty in “lesson 12: discomfort isn’t always a warning sign.” It gave me permission to lean into the awkward and unexpected moments of my own journey. Thank you for sharing these with such clarity and heart.