Achievement amnesia - why do I forget everything that I have achieved in a day?
Burn out isn't always related to hours worked - as demonstrated by my January
Reflection
I’m aware that this experience probably doesn’t start and end with me but it feels like a deeply personal problem. One that I seem to battle with on a semi-regular basis. I seem to be absolutely incapable of reconciling what I have done and what I have achieved with the reality of my energy levels. I would love to know if anyone else suffers from this affliction, but I have an inability to retain a clear sense of what I’ve actually done or achieved in any given time frame. I find myself, on January 31st, wondering - why do I feel burnt out? Why do I feel so tired?
It is only when I reflected back on the month in my planner, my camera roll and my diary that I realised, I had every right to be tired. Low and behold, it turns out that my January was actually jam packed. Not jam packed in the soul destroying endless list of errands kind of way. More of a jam packed with all of the life things - the nourishing and replenishing and, of course, the mundane. I fit a lot in.
Resistance
Why is it that I need to see what I’ve done written out in front of me in order to feel accomplished? In my mind, I spent the month being relatively low key; barely drinking alcohol, reading lots of books, being in bed early and asleep by 10pm every night and therefore, I should not be tired. (Read: I will not allow myself to be tired!)
I found myself resisting this feeling, pushing back against it, being hard on myself for not having the energy levels I expected. It wasn’t until I was sitting with my acupuncturist, a dear friend, who asked:
"Are you absolutely sure you shouldn’t be tired?"
All I could say was, no.
"Of course you should be tired," she said. "Look at what you’ve been through."
And she was right.
Relief
It wasn’t until I stopped fighting the “should” and surrendered to what was actually happening in my body that I started to feel better.
What actually happened in January:
I continued to heal: I spent the first eight days of the year in Tasmania with family; recovering and healing from being beaten around by our conception journey for the last six months. I’ve written about our early pregnancy losses and the whole experience has been nothing short of a drain on the soul (albeit peppered with lessons too). It is beyond bonkers to think that because a few weeks has passed that the healing had been complete. Inevitably, it is a work in process.
I got ‘glutened’: On my first day back in the office I proceeded to eat two slices of avocado toast that had been catered and incorrectly labeled as ‘gluten free’ (as a coeliac on a strictly gluten free diet, this is far from ideal). By midday, a coeliac colleague and I were experiencing severe stomach cramps and throwing up in bathroom cubicles next to each other. The autoimmune reaction triggered a cold and sinus infection that lasted three days. Not exactly the boundless January energy I had envisioned.
I stepped back: From the multimillion dollar business I have built. Ten years at the helm and now I am in the transition away from the hustle life and into the slower paced life. It’s a transition and it’s a struggle. My leadership team is entirely capable and supportive, yet I am still battling thoughts like:
“Am I letting people down?"
"What will the team think of me not being in the office?"
"Do I need to justify how I spend my days if I’m not working?"Logically, I know I should be proud. I built a thriving business that now runs without me, and I deserve to prioritise my health and starting a family. And yet, my brain fights to convince me that I’m getting it wrong by stepping off the productivity treadmill.
I exercised: After six months of loss and being on a rollercoaster of emotions trying to fall pregnant, exercise had fallen out of my routine. I am very grateful to love exercise; I live in a warm country which makes it a lot easier. I love feeling strong in my body and those serotonin hits from working out or being outside are real. These last few weeks of January, I’ve fit in eight pilates classes, four trips to the gym and a few coastal walks and have been more active than I have been in months.
I socialised: Socialising feels a funny word to describe the joy of spending time with your closest humans. One of our best friends in the world travelled from New York to Sydney for a girls weekend and eight of us spent two days curled up on sofas, drinking tea, reminiscing and reconnecting. Her two week visit prompted dinners and catch ups and, although my cup is extremely full, it’s been a busy couple of weeks of extroversion. Something to always watch for the introverted souls amongst us, despite how nourishing it is. Ah the duality.
Other Things I Did:
✔️ Booked our wedding venue for a Sept 2026 wedding
✔️ Booked two trips away (Byron Bay and Brisbane)
✔️ Had two meetings with our fertility specialist
✔️ Received the all-clear on more fertility tests
✔️ Swam in the ocean multiple times
✔️ Got my hair cut
✔️ Had two massages
✔️ Went to acupuncture twice
✔️ Went to the dentist
✔️ Hosted my in-laws for a night
✔️ Babysat my best friend’s daughter
✔️ Took my visiting cousin out for lunch
✔️ Wrote four Substack articles
No. Effing. Wonder. I’m tired.
Seriously.
I can objectively see that the list is a long one. And yet, without writing this down, I genuinely would have told you that I had a “laid back” or “chill” January and would have felt a bit down about how little I did.
What is it about our culture that equates rest with laziness? Why is it so hard to just be?
Why is resting and restoring our hearts and souls so hard to do?
Sigh - the messy business of being human, of unravelling these patterns like the layers of a really, really large and complex onion.
I would love to know - does this resonate with you? How do you see your relationship with time, achievement, and rest?
*****
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